Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
