i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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