So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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