I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
