I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
In America we eat man semen.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize