My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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