i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize