Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
