You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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