I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
