Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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