I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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