Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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