dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
