Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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