he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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