somebody snuck up and got me drunk
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You did what with his pubic hair?
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