if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
