Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
