Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
