Just fell off a train. Bad.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
