have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
