I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
