I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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