apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
