Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
