Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Enjoy the penises
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
