last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
