Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
