My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
