Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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