Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
