I can tuck mytits in my pants
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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