you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
