It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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