I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
