Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
