you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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