non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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