I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
