the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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