I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
