I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
