He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
