exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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