I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
