U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
