felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
