Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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