I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you had me at cake vodka
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
