Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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