I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My penis needs a shock collar
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
