Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
