I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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