I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
