the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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