Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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