Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
