i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
