About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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