apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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