Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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