Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
