What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
