our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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