I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
