definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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