12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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